Lenten Thoughts

Over the past year I have been dissecting through layers of inner turmoil.  For years I have battled anxiety related to past abuse and low self-esteem, depression and financial worry, resentment and fear.  In battling abuse, primarily from my father and stepmother I created schema after schema of self-controls and protective measures - ways of knowing.  While the Holy Spirit has always been active in my heart and at work in my life, when we are beaten down by the world and made to feel worthless sometimes we project our insecurity onto God.  Many who have faced ridicule, harm, pain, hurt, loss and turmoil - particularly in inter-family dynamics often scapegoat themselves or others for that trauma...we hold onto bitterness by clutching anger, or by ignoring the pain - numbing it and boxing it up.  Everyone who has faced a trauma deals with it differently, though the root cause is avoidance of accepting grace and hope.  I am guilty of this.  I have internalized the false words others have said about me and accepting the rejection and pain and ostracizing by family as something that is my fault because I wasn't perfect and I was somehow unlovable - even though they were the ones who committed the hurt - as human beings we long for acceptance and when someone shuns us and rejects us - especially those whom we love - we fill that void with a striving need for perfection and self-hatred, antagonism and worry.  

The hardest part is we often don't realize we are in certain patterns - holding patterns, oppressed by the brick walls that we build to protect us from damage. 

I gave up a lot of my dreams and feeling of self-worth and self-love over the years because of ridicule by my family.  I have found myself lose grip on my true-self because I don't want to risk living a life where I am worthy and loved because I am afraid I will be broken.  At times when horrible things occurred and I was facing attack and heartache I turned to God and knew he was there but when things seemed to get worse - I stared to give up on myself.  I did not doubt God's love, but I doubted that he saw me as worthy and I gave up a lot of hope.

I cannot articulate this into perfect words in this blog post.  It is raw and hard and complex- the layers of a broken soul that God heals.  I have found in the past year that God has opened my heart up to self-love - a love not of the ego, but the love of self-rooted in God's love for us and it is a heavy yoke at times because I am so conditioned to despise myself.  Most people would never guess this - I am active in volunteering, friendly, kind and always working on projects - but things are off course.  I want to give my entire self to help others - I'm empathetic and conscientious and this is my disposition - so I used that natural gift of empathy actually as a burden preventing me from moving into greater love for others - until we love ourselves with the heart of God's love then we cannot be free to fully love.  God wants us to experience his grace, HIS hope and HIS reprieve.  

Money has been a big hurdle, money was stolen from me by family and it left me conditioned to beat myself up about having anything - I started to think - I deserve nothing - I saw wanting abundance as selfish - instead of the balanced and whole view Christ wills for us.  I have a hard time accepting grace because I feel shame, and so I strive for perfection but always fall short.

I have been praying the past few months for financial help as my job is very stressful and I'm not pursuing my goals...but i have struggled as I plead with God - WHY?  Why won't you help us get out of these financial blocks when I've always worked hard and have tried so hard, and yet I feel trapped and the pain of all those times I was made to feel like nothing by my father and stepmother comes out.  Then I feel guilty because I trust in Christ's love and it is more precious than money and success and I am embarrassed to focus on this in prayer and yet - God has used the past year of begging, hoping, demanding, loving, crying...praying persistently to open up my heart to healing - to recognize I have value and it is okay to value myself and in doing so I value others.  He has taught me about the depths of His love and compassion and the power of trusting in HIS word, not the words of the world.  Still at times it is hard..especially when I still am desperate to get some bills paid down and my job is on a cliff.  I continue to pray and bless God and at times I shout...yet God is working through me and i know sometimes we having to allow the debris of our shame, worry,doubt and attachments and core foundations to be turned upside down before God before he fixes the temporary problems.

What good is it to fix a kitchen sink when the crack foundation is leaking water and causing the house to sink.  God wants me to recognize  my value to Him and trust in Him and in trusting in Him to trust in myself and to lean on His understanding.  To truly believe I am wanted and God wants to help me.  It is as much a test in learning to quiet my anxiety even in times of turmoil and to rest in God.  The truest rest is in the water of life God gives the soul with the Spirit and Christ is the eternal water - resting in Him and seeing that only Christ is a sure foundation is hard when bills are stacking up - and yet Christ is the only truth - the only power that is righteous and with us always.

In Lent we are faced with the desert of ourselves - the voids we try to fill with placebos - be it addictions, worry, anxiety, fear, sensual pleasures...the list goes on...for me I worry about money all the time - not material desire for wealth but a fear that I will not be provided for and cannot provide for myself - for basic needs and a sense of unworthiness of having solvency.  This is where we have to wrestle with God and sometimes he might not answer the way we want Him too but he always gives us what we need.  God wants to help the soul so that we can have to ability of perception of hope that this life is more than bread and water - life is truly in Christ...even death cannot take that away from us.

In Lent we must take our hearts to the well of Christ and learn from HIM and be filled by HIS Spirit - to lay down our pride and anxiety and rest in HIM.  

I have been doing a devotion to the Holy Face of Jesus and one of the readings discusses Christ's face reflecting the intimate pains of His soul and suffering and love of His heart.  It made me think about how much Christ suffered.  We tend to only focus at times on Jesus as divine and in some ways immune to the pain He was dealt - easily able to conquer it - and yet Christ felt the pain more than we ever could - because Christ is fully alive in love and to bear the rejection of those He loves - is harsh and is a desert only love's power of forgiveness can lead us out of.

Jesus felt every blow of the pain of scourging and being crowned with thorns - he endured the heartache of Judas's kiss and Peter's denial and the excruciating walk carrying His own cross to Calvary only to be crucified...In remembering the pain Christ endured we learn lessons of our own struggles, shining light of hope into doubt.

Christ was able to succeed by the Spirit of love for the Father and trust in the father even when every fiber of His human flesh would feel the condemnation of being forsaken...in the world we are forsaken, rejected and left powerless - and yet Christ did not walk by trust in human steps but turned His faith towards the Father; yes He knew the Father's plan of glory but this was more than just trusting a plan for salvation...I think Christ trusted God, the Father because he knows His true nature is love and love searches for reconciliation and light in darkness.  Love cannot be forsaken by God because God is love...love is mercy and love yields grace.  

I think it is important to remember that we are not blind to God's plan - God promises redemption and salvation and eternal life and warns us of struggles - but promises we will reach HIS heavenly kingdom - yet how often to we feel forsaken by God in times of struggle...that is why we have to look to the cross - to remember God is at work and He does have an everlasting plan for us - a plan of salvation and hope.

In trial we can clutch anger, hold the banner of victimization, hopelessness and fear or we can sow hope in the surety that God is on our side and continually praise His love and actively petition Him for everything with trust...and sometimes trust means admitting our doubts, our frustrations to God.  The key is when we petition our frustration we must give God the key to our hearts and quiet our soul enough from the worry to trust God is at work and to allow the Spirit to guide us.  When the Spirit seems silent we continue to pray, to praise and to seek God - even if it means waiting on His Word.

This Lent let God fill the void of worry and rejection - allow Christ to console your heart and learn from His struggles and triumph in His resurrection - allow God to breath in new life into you - for Christ is love and love yields grace and in grace we find God's mercy and in His mercy we are redeemed and as heirs of the kingdom we too must give mercy for it is in the giving we receive.

When we seek God first we are turning our focus away from self-pity, shame, fear and doubt and opening our eyes to life and light of heaven - and stepping onto the sure foundation - this does not exempt us from storms and trials, but helps us to be free from the slavery of sin which separates us from God and chains us to fear - and the ways of the world seek to reject life - seeking God we see life in all things and seek to restore life through love and Christ is love.