We all have knots, rocks and corrosive roots on our life roads that make us stumble, leave us dejected, sully us with fear, oppress us with doubt and at times in the wandering roadblocks we feel trapped, forsaken, alone and orphaned.
I tend to see God as being far off in the distance, already at the destination and I am struggling fiercely to rush from task to task, making each step a marathon - thinking if I can only accomplish an infinite number of tasks then I will reach the destination of peace and understanding.
I am a creative perfectionist - which means I can be laid back and go with the flow - and yet I am my harshest critic when it comes to being a taskmaster - every single second of every daily activity has to be accomplishing a task and accomplishing it well. I typically work myself to exhaustion before savoring complete and total rest - yet in the resting I feel guilty because - I should be doing something. I often feel like I have failed God because I'm not further ahead on life's plan with goals and plans - I have not accomplished the plans I have on my agenda: writing, editing, publishing, music projects, road trips, life agendas.
God gently reminds me with the power of the Holy Spirit that I need to stop feeling guilty about not accomplishing my temporal plans, and instead focus on just allowing the SPIRIT to guide me to the plans Christ has in store for me. When we clutch a dream or a goal too tightly we end up failing because we don't surrender it to God's will - and HIS perfect direction - when we become preoccupied with attaining the goal that we strip ourselves of enjoying it - we never find satisfaction. We are always jumping tiredly from one project to another before falling down, too exhausted to get up. Failure is not failure but a redirection opportunity to turn to God and say 'help me.'
I am exhausted, in something's gotta give mode. I am tired of my job and I want to pursue a career with my talents and yet none of the plans I work towards seem to come to fruition. I'm tired and I feel as though I'm failing. I have debts to pay and they are causing great anxiety. While it is easy to shake your head and say: 'you should have not taken out that debt,' life is not that simple. Both times I prayed over the situation and the loans were absolutely necessary given the circumstances. The loans were taken out to help with life journeys - including a cross country move...in the wake of the fact my father disinherited me and I had family members steal money from my mom. God knew we needed the funds and the loan provided for the expense...and yet now all I feel is fatigue and frustration...anger and worry...how long am I going to be in this debt...God please help me get out of it...What am I supposed to do with my life? I've worked hard...I followed the rules...why do I feel like I'm on this wandering road so far from my destination?
I went to the Chapel tonight with these questions heavy on my mind and my heart. Instead of starting my prayer session with petitions and litanies begging God for help with money and life circumstances I attempted an 8 minute session of contemplative prayer. The goal: to not think about anything accept dwell in the presence of God. My centering words in prayer: Trust, Surrender, Jesus.
I'll admit it is hard for me to just surrender my control. I am able to relax and to relent a part of my heart in prayer, but there is a shield I keep guarded. It goes back to past trauma and my current habit of always needing to think and plan and negotiate the next destination. I am so attune to having to be on the move, feeling insecure and desperate to accomplish tasks that the act of just sitting still without praying words or petitions or thanksgiving - I struggled to just be with I AM.
In the middle of my meditation as I strove to just 'be' - I heard the message : journey - it is not the destination but the journey...if you go through life only looking at accomplishing tasks - it will be one task to another task until you get to the final task: death.
I have continued to marinate on that message of the heart. Why can't we just enjoy the journey. Life is a journey - a pilgrimage - we are not in control of external circumstances and internally we find independence and true freedom only when we surrender to God. That does not mean we don't have control of life circumstances to a point - God wants us to live and exercise our choices - but it has to be in line with HIS will - otherwise we will not find satisfaction. St. Ignatius discusses the fact that we all have many ways we can follow God, and some are better ways of surrendering and living in Christ - but God gives us options and is content with whatever way we follow HIM as long as we follow him. The Ways of Knowing and Being - God is alive and is with us on the journey. Life is not about awards and merits, while those are great accomplishments and God wants us to do our best and to believe in our abilities, God's primary desire in our lives is that we seek relationship with HIM and enjoy the presence of Jesus in our lives.
Jesus is always with us. The Holy Trinity is all around us and the SPIRIT lives within us. We are loved and cared for. Every second is holy because every second Jesus is at work in the world. Every breathe we take, every word we speak and every action we have an opportunity to be in communion with God and each other. So something as simple as cooking dinner can be a holy event when we do it for the glory of Christ. The simplest act of kindness can be more important to God on your life resume than your executive business title. We are meant to enjoy life and sometimes even the crises become roadblocks where we learn to surrender, to love and actually help us persevere in our journey so when we reach the destination - it is not a check box accomplishment - but something richer, something deeper and more fulfilling.
Reaching heaven as our destination is wonderful, but our journey with God is right here and right now...in heartache, in joy, in sorrow, in jubilee, in grocery shopping, in a record deal - God is present in all things and wants to travel with us and be our friend, FATHER and guide.
I find the hardest part is tuning the reception to the right station. So often I go into prayer - asking God for things I am really demanding of HIM, instead of asking HIS will and trying to listen for solutions outside the scope of my planned list of options. How can God help us if we won't let him?
Later as I read the daily reading I was struck by God's sense of humor and insight:
As Jesus was setting out on a journey, a man ran up,
knelt down before him, and asked him,
“Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
Jesus answered him, “Why do you call me good?
No one is good but God alone.
Journey - there is the word again. Jesus did not accomplish HIS ministry without first journeying - reconciling HIMSELF to the people who rejected HIS father and ministering to the broken and wandering through some rough places, wilderness deserts and stormy waters. Jesus could have simply come down and said 'okay I'm going to die, then rise again and be done with it...salvation task accomplished,' but without the journey and the story of Jesus's life the destination has no meaning - no hope, no truth. It is simply the end, not the beginning. Of course the cross is the crux and the power and glory of God's grace and love and sacrificed perfectly and how we are forgiven, and its power would still exist but it would lose the depth of life and love - because Christ came not only that we should get to heaven - but that we start to learn how to live an abundant life as we journey on this earth.
Why do we call Christ 'good,' not because He simply is good (which He is), but because of His actions and works on the journey - which is an outward showing of grace. God does not need to prove His goodness, He is good - the journey reveals the goodness, just as grace is a revelation of love.
At the end of my prayer session I heard the word I dread the most: patience...Tonight though I welcome it as a friend on a journey.
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