When I was four, I was in my grandmother's rose and daffodil garden on a Sunday and I remember looking at the glorious beauty of the yellow daffodils and I thought about Jesus. I felt the overwhelming sense of HIS presence and love. I heard a small inner voice say with purest conviction: Jesus is real, He loves you. I came to recognize the timing of that revelation was to prepare me for the fact my dad abandoned my family and other trials to come.
When I was seven I asked God to be my Father because I recognized that my father was unable to fulfill the role. I forgave my dad for this, but I recognized the need for God, not just as an omnipotent ruler but more importantly as a Father and a Friend.
When I was a pre-teen, recognizing the pain and hurt of loss from family discord - I turned my trust over to God - asking HIM to test me like Job...I did so enthusiastically - wanting to be refined by his testing love. I sometimes question myself about that now - because life has been beautiful and yet so forsaken at times. And yet - God has been there - present and begging me to question - God doesn't answer readily all the time - he uses the mountains and deserts to help me see the magnitude and complexity of HIS love and grace.
I have learned beauty in the suffering. It doesn't make sense except that I understand the peace of knowing that nothing can separate us from God and that even when he draws us into life's 'Agony in the Garden' moments - HE is present and feels our hurt and cries tears with us. God wants us to recognize that we need His grace because we are broken and yet in the brokenness He also wants us to recognize we are loved and he longs for us to not be afraid to live in that love. We are not scapegoats - Christ alone is the only perfect sacrifice and yet in suffering God invites us into offering small sacrifices to Him - out of love.
God does not want us to suffer, and yet he understands the cancer inside us - pain, hurt, betrayal, agony, worry and doubt - are not going away without relying on the cross - just as a cancer patient requires chemo, we require God's healing hands to cure us. The cure is trust. Trust is hard in suffering and yet - Christ shows us the way to trust.
A priest told me that it is okay to question God, but in that questioning we need to come to the conclusion that God is trustworthy - even when we don't understand. Some information from the divine order is really too much for us to bear and that is why we need to let God do the heavy lifting. I learned this earlier this year through a spiritual experience I encountered.
I have been struggling not with my love of God as much of questioning - Why? Why the suffering in the world? I am fortunate to have been born in a Christian background - but what about those who suffer in poverty with no knowledge of Christ or a culture that is so indoctrinated in other faith traditions that the Gospel is rejected...that is something that is not as easy to combat as we'd like to think. What about those souls in desperate need of God's mercy at the time of their death? Are they redeemed?
We need to evangelize because Christ is right here, right now, for us and with us and on our side and has healing in store for everyone...we do not need to condemn the majority of humanity to hell based on small-minded views of God. I don't know how God judges non-Christians - but I know love demands mercy. Christ is the only way to salvation and yet how can a God who took so much care in His plan for redemption, forsake so many to an eternity in suffering for just being misguided - because whether we like it or not - we are all confused with knots and we are all in need of God's mercy and healing grace.
I prayed on this and had a dream:
In the dream a friend found a box of rosaries in my closet. They said: "You have a lot of straws in this box." Straws? I was confused, I said: "No those are rosaries." The next morning I recognized the beauty of this parable the Holy Spirit led me to: in Egypt the Hebrews did not have straw to make bricks as punishment - brick can still be made without straw, but it is a lot more tedious and difficult - it can be done, but greater graces come from having the straw.
Christ is the straw in our bricks and He calls all people out of that heavy labor of fear in sin to freedom from sin and hope in love. That doesn't mean others cannot be saved (in my discernment, here is Pope Francis on issue: ) but that Christ is the way - the only way salvation happens and it is His grace alone. As Christians we are to share our faith not in judgment shaming fear tactics, but in love - because love is the message and love has justice, and justice in Christ has mercy. We know the best way through the sacraments of communion and prayer, and a 'How-to' by God's WORD incarnate and chosen prophets on how to live. The Gospel helps us live as our best selves now - growing closer for the heavenly communion in Christ.
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