It is time to leave Bozeman. My four years in Montana has been a blessing from God, a safety nest, an incubation period of growth and reflection on past trials. God always has spoken to me through nature, the majesty of the natural world reminding me of his grace and glory. He is the master architecture, our redeemer and advocate.
It is hard to branch out, to trust God's call when he tells us to pack up everything and move forward. We are creatures of habit. Even if we are in desperate circumstances, we often prefer to hide in the dark known rather than step out into the light. We are blinded by fear of failure, of crashing and burning. A bird can only survive in the nest so long, eventually it has to overcome its fear and take flight. If we rely on the world we are bound to fail, lost in fear and chained by dread. Still we struggle to trust God to help us take flight. Even if we believe in God's truth and trust his power, our human fragility is bound in fear. We rely on the tangible, contemplating and planning the future like a sharp edged razor. When life forces us in a new direction we cut ourselves on lost hope, fear of the unknown, content to wrestle our demons in the night. As Christians we exemplify: 'I believe, help my unbelief.'
This move is stressful, all moves are, when you pack up your belongings and step into uncharted territory. In this case, our final destination is not fully known, we are still analyzing the pros and cons of various cities in the southeast, from apartment costs to job opportunities to nursing programs at community colleges. I love Montana, the scenery fills my soul, but the job market here is non-existent and there are no nursing programs in the region that meet my program requirements. Bozeman is an anchor - an anchor both keeps you grounded, and it can also weigh you down, preventing you to perceive and discern new options. God has blessed us with a wonderful apartment here, a nest. It is tempting to stay in this rut, even if it means being paralyzed and unable to reach my long term goals.
John 5:1-18
"Now in Jerusalem by the Sheep Gate there is a pool, called in Hebrew Beth-zatha, which has five porticoes. In these lay many invalids-- blind, lame, and paralyzed. One man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and knew that he had been there a long time, he said to him, "Do you want to be made well?" The sick man answered him, "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; and while I am making my way, someone else steps down ahead of me." Jesus said to him, "Stand up, take your mat and walk." At once the man was made well, and he took up his mat and began to walk....."
This passage from John is one of my favorite in the bible. It reminds me of God's care, the guiding power of the Holy Spirit and the active love of Jesus. On the surface this passage appears to be a basic miracle, a healing of an invalid; its meaning runs far deeper. Healing itself is an act of redemption, of reprieve and hope, a new life. Healing is a physical and spiritual process of restoring a broken body and spirit. In this account, Jesus does not race in laying on hands and commanding the invalid be healed. Instead he approaches him with gentleness and says: 'Do you want to be made well?'
That seems like a silly question, who wouldn't want to be made well? The truth is many of us mentally desire healing, but are so paralyzed by fear of life outside of the confines we know that we resist and refuse to be healed. Jesus realized this man's desperation was as much psychological as physical. The pain and emotional stress of being physically paralyzed, or suffering a debilitating illness, is something we will search the world over for an antidote, yet will we take grace of healing? Those burdens, the emotional boulders and barricades become our anchor - our character - we become afraid of leaving the shadows, where everything is obscure to a light where everything is revealed.
There are many layers of truths and lessons in this miracle story. Jesus in asking the invalid if he wants to be made well is an act of mercy, as he respects the man's choice. This exchange reflects to me the choice we have in accepting the gift of grace, redemption and our own decision to tear down the walls of fear and move forward trusting in the love and faith. God is an anchor of the soul, that instead of weighing us down in burden, helps life take flight.
The sick man answered him, "Sir, I have no one to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up; and while I am making my way, someone else steps down ahead of me." Jesus said to him, "Stand up, take your mat and walk."
The man doesn't answer 'yes,' to healing, instead he explains his situation and how the world is preventing his path to the water, people are pushing ahead, acting without mercy and compassion. This statement is twofold. One it reminds us that we are called to serve those in need and at all times to act with mercy and compassion, selfless love and offering the desperate hope. I saw a man the other day honk at a women in a walker crossing the street. Are we in such a rush that we neglect to patiently love and show mercy for our fellow creatures? We are all responsible of clutching our worldly impatience instead of following an active example of eternal patience.
I am impatient in moving. A lot of unfair circumstances beyond my control, malicious things, have made the financial aspects of moving a strain. I get so caught up in worrying about the finances that I fail to remember that God is always providing for me. He has also given me countless signs, signals and pushes to take the step forward. I want to move forward, but I let fear be my driver and fear only paralyzes.
Jesus heals the man, and instructs him to 'take your mat and walk.' At this point, Jesus given his healing to the man, still it is up to him to acknowledge and trust the healing and move forward. Once again this exchange reminds us of God's guiding presence in our lives, all the while instructing us that we have to be active participates. Instead of fear, pray for comfort and guidance. Instead of worry, pray for discernment that leads to an active hope, instead of resting your faith in an unknown future, trust in the eternal promise of God.
For four years we didn't have a car. For the first 3 1/2 years this was a good move as we can walk everywhere in Bozeman and take the bus in the winter. It came a point when God starting pushing me to trust the process of buying a car. I resisted afraid about the finances, worried about maintenance - valid concerns, of course, however my resistance was rooted in fear more than reason. God works his purpose out and in August 2013, circumstances made us confront the car issue. I was so worried and anxious, only to find out we could get a car that we can afford. God knows we need a car to drive on to the next stage, it was the first sign to consider a move...he has continued to actively nudge me along. Working to comfort and guide me. Yes I am still anxiety prone, but I know that God heals and I need his healing power.
On my own I am bound to a nest of fear, a dependency and defense mechanism, in God's grace and guiding presence I can soar. Yes obstacles will test me along the way. This trust is a constant dance, the spirit of faith growing and learning in peace and tribulation. For the mountains to rise and the prairies to amble in wild ceaseless beauty, there is a certain about of suffering, yet resiliency is a gift God wields in us. It is the knowledge of his mercy and fortitude that gives me rest.
Genesis 15:1-11
"After these things the word of the LORD came to Abram in a vision, "Do not be afraid, Abram, I am your shield; your reward shall be very great." But Abram said, "O Lord GOD, what will you give me, for I continue childless, and the heir of my house is Eliezer of Damascus?" And Abram said, "You have given me no offspring, and so a slave born in my house is to be my heir." But the word of the LORD came to him, "This man shall not be your heir; no one but your very own issue shall be your heir." He brought him outside and said, "Look toward heaven and count the stars, if you are able to count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your descendants be." And he believed the LORD; and the LORD reckoned it to him as righteousness. Then he said to him, "I am the LORD who brought you from Ur of the Chaldeans, to give you this land to possess." But he said, "O Lord GOD, how am I to know that I shall possess it?"
This passage from Genesis speaks to my trepidation and hope. Like Abram, I am preparing to move. This time is one of both excitement and fear. Abram-Abraham knew God's trustworthiness, yet still he questioned, fear tests even the most faithful of saints. Throughout scripture we are shown that God is trustworthy. Problems often arise because of our false urgency for a tangible product, our anger and our fear. God calls us to be active participants in faith. God acts faithfully, while we have to trust, to discern and use the gift of reason as a tool to understand his purpose in our lives, not as a buffer of worry and fear. I cannot deny that I am not afraid; have the courage to step forward and take flight from this decaying nest, because God is my shield. If he is for us who can be against us?
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