dwell in my soul
be the ruler of my heart
The guardian compass of my life
Inspire the beauty of God's creation
in my humble bones so I may walk closer to the divine light
of our Savior's love
Let me be rooted in YOUR truth so I may eat the fruits of YOUR vine
and blossom spiritually as an agent of hope and love
sowing mercy in a broken world
beautifully broken, healed through God's grace upon grace
Come Holy Spirit come
with YOUR mercy
Make YOUR home in my heart
- poem I wrote to Holy Spirit
As I move forward in my life out of the dark spaces of a broken past, I often find myself so blinded by God's infinite goodness, the eyes of my soul feel as though I'm a grain of sand - I don't know what direction to blow - the ocean tides draw me in or struggle against the winds. I know God is present, alive, awake in my heart and I am overwhelmed by the beauty of HIS love for me and the sorrowful passion and resurrection of hope through Christ. I am willing to serve. I am ready to turn over my fears to God and cast my net in HIS infinite waters of peace - yet I have found that my mind is still so racked with the remnants of worry and scars of the broken fragments of my fractured hopes that now that I have been set free, physically and mentally I don't know where to go.
A huge part of me feels so undeserving because you realize the infinite goodness of God's love and the eternal peace of his SPIRIT all of the things I languished over seem like dust in a barren field - how to I come closer to HIS word. What does God will from me. Is loving HIM enough - is my desire to do great things for God and humanity driven by the SPIRIT or my own ego or both.
People who come out of abuse (domestic violence, psychological, sexual abuse - there are thousands of abuses that go on in the world sadly that try to sever a soul from the peace of God and usurp HIS kingdom on earth), war or famine - are grateful for their freedom but before they can truly walk forward into new life - there is a critical transition of not only letting go but learning to trust again - to trust God and in that trust letting go of all the noise in our mind and listening to the Holy Spirit and hungering for the spirit.
A few weeks ago I went on a walk. I had done a lot of prayers and really worked to turn over the weight of worry to God. I suddenly felt light as a feather as I walked as though I literally had been dragging a one ton chain around my neck and suddenly for a fleeting moment I felt the flight of freedom.
I say fleeting because the flesh works hard to draw us back into panic and fear - in this critical stage of allowing our spiritual eyes to adjust perception from the wake of abuse to God's care, the chains of oppression to Christ's freedom and the fiery sustaining wind of power of the SPIRIT - we have to go through a purging process - this is a choice we make - it is hard and painful - but each day, with each prayer we heal and we let go of just a little weight until we completely trust in the power of God even in times of tumult and fear.
I think this is why counseling and prayer are so important for abuse victims and those suffering from PTSD. The Holy Spirit is the GREAT Counselor - helping us purify our soul and of mind and body - while going to therapy and working steadfastly by our own will to embrace the change we desire and allow transformation to occur in our hearts and minds.
I have been abused financially by members of my family and from a young age I developed neuroses about my self-worth and also a fear of never being able to pay my bills because my father continually deprived me - the money was not the core of my anger - money is only paper - it was the lack of love - yet I thought I could compensate by just getting enough money through jobs to prove I was worthy of love here on earth. I knew God did not judge my debts and financial portfolio - but the world weighed me down after I was attacked by bitterness - the shard of glass in my spiritual eye blocking me from the fullness of God's grace because I could not perceive HIS work in my life. I thought I was disappointing God because I wasn't successful - but I find the only success that truly matters is that our souls are secure in God's hands and we have a true love of God before material things.
The Holy Spirit is always ready to answer our prayers - to guide us and give us direction - but the Spirit is boldly humble - meaning the SPIRIT has the power to destroy or create the world in a word - yet the SPIRIT wants us to be in a journey towards Christ and the Trinity and that means we need to listen, to trust and to completely turn over the 'noise' of fear to the SPIRIT.
How do you do this? It is isn't easy because we are so grounded in the temporal fears of the flesh - I finally had my breakthrough in an hour a day of prayer and thanksgiving to God and really working through mindfulness to turn over every anxiety to God. I'll continue to discuss these techniques in future posts.
If you pray to the Holy Spirit for help - HE is there but be ready to embrace the change. Don't live as a slave when you have been set free - realize your MASTER is a loving God who doesn't want slaves but friends who serve out of love. That is the greatest gift in the entire universe. And it is at times overpowering - yet if we take even five minutes a day to de-clutter our mind and wait on the SPIRIT of Truth - HE will guide you.
So when I pray now to help get into a better financial position, for HIS help with my creative pursuits and life issues - though temporal still wage war on our souls - I now rest in the promises of the Holy Spirit - I try my best to be mindful of subtle clues that come in like a windstorm - for God is not one of confusion - but he often speaks through our intuition and what we understand in symbols - i.e. a bird in flight might signal you need to let you life take a new direction. It might not be the complete atlas to the universe you are looking for but we don't need that when we have faith - let God be our air traffic control, let the SPIRIT take flight. The Rosary for me is one of the powerful tools of contemplation because it forces me to redirect my chained thinking to the freedom of The Holy Trinity.
This is one of my favorite prayers to the Holy Spirit (from a novena on this site and others) because it reminds us that God helps with temporal things -but we must never let the material cause us to lose sight of the spiritual for then we are truly lost.
Holy Spirit, You who make me see everything and showed me the way to reach my ideals, You who gave me the divine gift to forgive and forget the wrong that is done to me and You who are in all instances of my life with me, I want to thank You for everything and confirm once more that I never want to be separated from You no matter how great the material desire may be. I want to be with You and my loved ones in Your perpetual glory. Amen
In Jesus Christ, your Son's name, I ask that you grant me (state intention)
Praise be to God for HIS Mercy and the fruits of the SPIRIT
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