'He reveals deep and hidden things...he knows what is in the darkness, and light dwells with him.'
As a child I was petrified of the dark. I craved the light - I found fear in the dark because it reminded me of the lonely terror of the unknown - I feared monsters in the closet, and the pitch black aphotic chaos of being on my own. Part of this fear came from trauma at a young age - I felt helpless and alone in the dark. I used to fall asleep praying for protection and light. I always felt the comfort and peace of God even in my uneasiness.
Reading the daily scripture today I was drawn to this verse from Daniel because it reminds us that God sees all things hidden and known in the world. When we are in life's darkest depths, the LORD is vigilantly watching our steps and ready to light our way if we seek HIS help. In seeking HIS help we might not always light the path he leads us on - think of Daniel's trial in the Lion's Den - that is where faith comes in. In faith we know we can confidently walk through the black holes of life without losing our moral compass. I have been on hiking expeditions where my compass starting acting up (magnetic issues from volcanic rock or just a busted needle), other times I just lost my bearings particularly in the fall months when leaves hide the trail.
The first time this happened I panicked. A voice in my gut said 'panic won't solve this puzzle, intuition and scientific reasoning will.' I prayed for discernment in the quiet darkness of encroaching night - I trusted my instinct and wilderness know-how and forged forward - safely making it to my car.
God is an unfailing compass - He is your guide.' When are minds get so gobbled up with fear that we let anxiety rule our mind we cannot discern our intuition or use our God-given critical thinking skills (reason, science, problem-solving, common sense) to figure out a solution - we just focus on the darkness.
Prayer is a lifeline in our faith and our mental and physical health - because it forces us to be still and listen to God's word - God is willing to listen to our gripes and take all our worries in Christ and absolve then - but we need to carve out the time to listen and pray...you must choose to accept God's healing and be willing to use HIS G.P.S. faithfully otherwise you'll be bitter and lost. I speak from experience. I've always been a compassionate, empathetic and patient person in trial - I love people and want to serve others - but I also avoided processing the pain of past trauma - instead throwing myself into project after project - because I did not want to face the darkness of my past - although I wanted to be healed, I thought I was destined to be scarred to carry the load of worry, fear and anxiety...in holding close to that buried anger and fear - I let anxiety rule my mind - and even my critical thinking fine-tuned analytical nature suffered - instead of using discernment to scrutinize the facts as light on darkness - revealing the truth - I found mistrust in my abilities and found myself unworthy to come to God with my problems - I built it up like a fortress. My health suffered from high cortisol levels and hives - biological stress from refusing to let go - letting go sometimes means we have to go into dark places and scrutinize the pain instead the depths of our soul - to sift through the anger and the hurt - but if we do this with God we will find healing and peace - the light will give us wisdom and courage to press on.
I still am learning to let go and LET GOD.
- Problem: I thought God would not want to hear my complaining - so I tried to be my own problem solver. While God does gives us science, psychology, reason and critical thinking so we can be self-reliant - this self-reliance is dependent on HIS healing hands. You can discern you have a broken leg, but it takes a physician to heal it. How can you properly fix your leg without consulting the doctor and telling them about your pain and suffering - the key is when we pray not to only complain - but to ask God for solutions. God is ready to be a sounding board, but he can only help us if we ask for solutions - and in asking for solutions we might not always light the answer.
I did not like the fact that I would not receive monetary justice from the thousands of dollars stolen by my stepmother...the money was important because I wanted it for college - I won't go into the details here - suffice it to say I invested so much hope on this one issue because it represented the years and years of toxic abuse by my father and stepmother.
I could not understand why God refused to get her to pay the debt - God had always given me a clear answer before but not this time. I let anger creep in. I knew God loved me and my salvation was procured, but it seemed unfair that I was going through such an injustice considering the countless prayers regarding this issue that went unanswered.
My gut told me: 'God doesn't want you to get the money this way - he has other plans for you - LET IT GO,' but I couldn't let it go - the anger and hurt rested on that goal. I couldn't perceive how it could be fixed in any other way - I even started to think that unless she paid the debts I would be destitute my whole life (a lot of this came from the effects of a horrible economy the year I graduated). God tried to get me to put it in perspective, but I refused - I make this point that sometimes we don't like God's answers - but we need to trust them. God did not want me to get money from my stepmother because she was a toxic force in my life who meant to do me harm and had taken away a lot of my confidence - he wanted me to completely separate from her negative energy so he could heal me in HIS perfect LOVE and care. God cannot force a will to bend in this plain - he knew my stepmother would not yield in her hate and selfishness - so he wanted me to cut ties so he could work in my life. This lesson took me a decade to learn.
One of the reasons for this anger in spite of my compassionate and forgiving nature is that I buried a lot of the raw emotions of hurt so deep that I ignored that darkness - I keep being thrust from anxiety rife situation of life trauma to another for two decades so when it was peaceful in my life I did not want to tap into the volcano of pain and hurt - but I needed to peel back that pain layer by excruciating layer in order to learn lessons from the pain and to remove the splinters in my soul. It took my own resolve and God's healing care - light in my darkness to help me have wisdom, discernment and be refined by the fire of trial.
I thought I had forgiven my father and stepmother - but I continued to clutch that anger and every time I found power in anger I got cut. Finding power in anger and confronting anger are two different things. Power out of anger is a false strength - it is like a rush of adrenaline that crashes down after a anger high - power out of anger causes you to become bitter and self-loathing, fearful...it does not help you to analyze behavior of why the person wronged you and how you can heal - rather it cuts apart your soul and is like a bat that keeps attacking you. When you allow anger to give you power it makes you weak - you replay the victim role again and again and are battered down.
Confronting anger is a necessary part of healing - each layer I had to process my toxic emotions - I burned the feelings of self-hate and got to the psychological root of the problem - I found forgiveness doesn't mean condoning an act but allowing God to take the burden of avenging that debt from you. In my journey I found I had so many layers of abuse and pain that it took years of healing to confront the problem - you cannot get frustrated or rush the process of healing and forgiveness -on the other hand you cannot hide behind false forgiveness so you can continue to get battered by anger.
The deepest cuts were the ones I buried so deep that when I first arrived I was shocked by the pain - I thought I was over it - then I moved home and all the anger and hurt resurfaced - it came to my attention through intuition that this is because the first cuts are deepest - because you mourn a loss of innocence and trust and when your family betrays you and you are once again confronted with the initial seed of pain - then it is very difficult to process.
It was only after opening door after door and processing the pain through healing - not anger I was able to fully forgive - and in that love I now can find myself - I still have anxiety - but God will provide wisdom if we are willing to give him our burdens and allow HIM to cast his light in our dark hearts.
I now realize how even in the darkest depths of my despair and suffering and testing that God blessed me and helped me - I had opportunities to see the beauties of Yellowstone National Park and other great wonders of creation - it is in those natural places I learned that some of life's greatest beauty comes from the depths of trial.
Daniel is a great example of trial by fire and faith out of doubt. Even if we don't see God working immediately in our lives the way we want life right now - God has a plan better and bigger than you and me. For those who die in war and persecution we can only pray that their suffering is rewarded by the perfection of heaven...for those of us living in the wake of pain - we can either let the shards of our soul cut us or be refined and healed by God's light and the cup of HIS everlasting waters.
It is scary to shine a light into the depths of a dark soul, but it is a physical we need and must act on without delay so God can open doors and help us to do HIS work in the world.
Turn over your anxiety - otherwise you will not be able to use critical thinking and problem solving through the gifts of the Holy Spirit to find a way forward. There is NO FUTURE in the PAST
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