Just take a moment to imagine that light less state. Feel the gravity, the tension, the fear - then remember even in the deepest and darkest caverns of the earth God is at work. Nature shows us this time and again. In a cave the microscopic bacteria to unique cavern deep dark dwelling species lurking into the hole of the earth - live - they live by light in darkness. The entire chain of life depends on the dim light of the outer world - sometimes that light is passed down through dead organisms - life exists and God cares for life even at the darkest depths.
We are people who rely on the clock like an hourglass in hyper drive. I have a Type A personality with a laid back approach too - it is the INFJ disposition - I am strongly empathetic to the point I get physically ill when horrible things happen to others and I want justice and want to fight for justice. There is a place for us to be advocates through Christ and activists in His name, but as humans we also have the flawed tendency of immediacy and not seeing the macro-picture. Why delay when we need help now - we are suffering? God is not ignorant or uncaring about our suffering, but his time is always the right time - the dark night of the soul reminds us of Christ's suffering on the cross; it tests and refines our character, building deep roots - strengthening our empathy and compassion and incites us to action and patience - yes the two though paradoxical can work as one.
The past thirteen years (really twenty five years) have been hard. I was forsaken by my biological father and my family shunned me and my mom because of their selfish aims (estate issues). At first I was content to walk away because I knew the toxic energy involved, I trusted God, but after my own dreams and hopes seemed to burn and crash - though I did not lose hope in HIS salvation I doubted myself worth - I started listening to the negative energy of the world - instead of seeking to heal in the positive light of Christ. In grieving we must face our anger and wrestle with it as Jacob wrestled with an Angel in the desert - Jesus had to use all his human will to fend off the temptation of Satan in the desert - for even though Jesus is God - he was man - hungry, alone, and dealing with the battles to come - Jesus even cries out to God on the cross 'My God, My God' why have you forsaken me.' In truth sometimes we need to let the hurt and despair die so we can start again, fresh with God's grace. That doesn't mean we don't take the healthy lessons that refined our soul in trial, but the anger does not bind us and the shame does not hold us.
God has always granted me a strong faith, but I have wrestled with trying to understand why so many people betrayed me. I started to internalize the shame of my oppressors - feeling worthless, alone and resting only on the hope of salvation. I questioned the value of my life...but God loves us and has a purpose for us in this life. When we are in a difficult situation we need to pray to HIM for guidance and when our prayers are not answered don't take it as rejection, but that God has a mission and you are worthy of it because you are chosen - even in your sin, you can walk HIS path in love and in trial be set by the fire of the Holy Spirit. God knows what it means to suffer and never causes us harm - even against the evil of the world he uses trial to spark light. One tiny splinter of light diffuses an entire night of darkness. If we only keep the lamp dimly lit and pray for God to guide us he will. Christ is with us and is our advocate.
I am in the planning stages of writing a novel inspired by the trials in my life - it is a psychological and spiritual novel, which I hope will help others in their journey out of the world's shame into God's loving hands. One episode about my confusion with God was that I keep trying to get justice from someone who emotionally and physically harmed and deprived me and left me destitute. I begged her and pleaded, I hoped and prayed - I dwelt on it and schemed about justice - not revenge - I never have wished that on her, but justice in receiving payment (tuition money) due. She never wrote me back. I was told by an intuitive friend of deep faith that this person was pure dark energy - seeking to break and crash my happiness - I needed to let go and realize some justice does not come in this life and that is okay. I then became desperate because I thought I needed the money - I panicked, I allowed fear to guide me. I did not understand why God would not fix this wrong. Every time I had prayed to God in the past he always has given me some intuitive direction or physical manifestation to help move forward. I trust God and knew him to be my FATHER. It drove me crazy - I did not understand why God was helping me - this wasn't just a no, but a slam on the door, I am NEVER answering this - so I tried to make it happen on my own - sending hundreds of letters and petitions to my abuser begging for restitution - deaf ears.
It took nearly a decade to realize God was answering my pray by not answering my request because although he new my suffering heart and weeps for the pain and void from loss love of family he knows that the way to fix that void wasn't by communing and interacting with the oppressor - it was by completely cutting the cord of oppression and having NO CONTACT. God will provide, but when we start to get so caught up on our goals we lose sight of God's plan we will start to fall into darkness and doubt.
God wanted me to be independent - to completely lean on him - his healing is the cure - not getting an apology or check from the oppressor. My abusers shamed me with wanting to go to college and also were very manipulative about money and made me feel unworthy of all material possession. When I say material - I'm not talking about materialism but I'm talking about food, clothes, a normal standard of living in security. Sometimes the world steals these from us. Darkness tries to steal light, but it never will blind the light - because light dwells in all of creation because God is with us - who can be against us.
Coming back to ground zero of the abuse and facing some demons - it took a lot of fight to work my way past the anger and my own feelings of worthlessness - yet God shows me HIS love. Christ is my advocate - 'if the world hates you, it hated me first.' God loves us and we are precious in our sight.
In dark nights of the soul, realize you are in a battle - temporal and harsh, but don't lose sight of the water that sustains your thirst - God's cup is always ready for you to drink out of - the Living Waters of the Holy Spirit with guide and protect you, sustaining you in the fight - it is not an easy road. Faith can move mountains, sometimes faith means climbing uphill to reach the summit with gravity holding you down. Climbing mountains is a strengthening of faith, character and resilience.
In the past week I have begun to ask forgiveness for those who harmed me - more importantly I am turning over the hurt, pain and shattered glass I am clutching to God. I have asked Christ to heal my wounds and the Holy Spirit to guide me. I know angels are close. Instead of being paralyzed by the pain, I have found strength in it. I want to write books and pursue psychology so I can help nurture others as they venture on their own healing journeys. Forgiveness is not a one stop process - perhaps when Jesus tells Peter you must forgive seventy times seven - he means it literally as well as metaphorically because with each layer of hurt in a failed relationship you break through a new residue of anger and doubt you must scrap up - in the scrapping of the soul it is painful - leaving scars - Christ knows that forgiveness sometimes has to be a hard road because when we face our trials and reflect on them through HIS lens we not only remove the pain but our soul's void his filled with the light of HIS love.
While at the beach recently I heard the words Job 42:10 pop into my mind. Trusting my intuition I did an online search for the verse:
10 And the Lord restored the fortunes of Job, when he had prayed for his friends. And the Lord gave Job twice as much as he had before.
Job's 'friends' were really enemies who undermined and mocked him - God knew Job was righteous but it took Job releasing the hold of mockers and showing love to his friends when God restored Job, because only then could God fill the void of loss with redemptive care.
I also have prayed the Hail Mary prayer. I am not Catholic, but Anglican - but I find praying this helps calm me because I know that Mary as mother of Jesus faced many adversities as a servant of God. She worried about the wine at Cana and Jesus told her - it is not yet my time - still he answered her petition - she cared for her son as a child - as any mother would and as the Messiah, God loves us as his children and wants us to come to him in our darkness. In our humility he makes us strong in wisdom and hope.
Although I hope the financial burdens incurred by my family will be restored in abundance with God's will - providing me with income to regain some of what was lost, I know the material is nothing compared to God's LOVE - Christ is always at work and we must pray to HIM, ask for healing, forgiveness...where their is pain sow love and compassion as Christ love us. No prayer is too much for HIM and if the prayer is not answered trust HIS time is the right time.
Remember God wants you to love this life, not through material focus (of course it is okay to enjoy and treat yourself, but don't let greed and love of money bind you), but through spiritual renewal, pursuing your God-given passions/talents to help others and to fill your soul with the HOLY Trinity
Remember we are all ADOPTED as children of God the Father with Christ our advocate and redeemer and the Holy Spirit within us - as a guide. 3 in 1...we have a heavenly Father and HE loves us. A minister once told me that to be adopted in Roman times meant full inclusion as heir in a household - How amazing to know that God is not only master of the universe, but our parent, friend, advocate and redeemer - he lives and calls us to life through HIM
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