Desert Soul

It has been over a year since I have posted on This Side of Paradise, not for lack of desire as much of lack of time, focus and all the minutia that we get caught up in day to day. In the past year I have trusted and quarreled with God as I have journeyed thousands of miles from Montana through Idaho to Utah and Arizona, NM to Texas, Tennessee and finally home to my native state of North Carolina.  In the past year I have faced challenges and experienced paradise in motion.  In Utah, camping in nineteen degree temps in Zion National Park, rising with the orange sun against the silver moon in the darkness of the canyon - I experienced my humble meekness and the might and power of God.  In Zion, Bryce and the Grand Canyon National Parks I discovered beauty in hardship, suffering as a kindling spark that is a necessary journey to wondrous peace.  In the past year I have discovered peace in suffering, beauty in ordinary and extraordinary places and the silent but willful hand of God is ever present - even when he seems to have disappeared from our lives when we SCREAM OUT - My God, My God.  God is with us, Jesus endured these trials and could see the miraculous in even the lowliest of places, while beckoning us in faith to perceive life beyond our peripheral vision - Faith is a bridge of trust and assurance.  I'm a reckless sinner when it comes to balancing faith and doubt.  I love God beyond measure and TRUST in HIM, but fear paralyzes my soul - I feel shame and fear and lack...lack of money, lack of hope and I can only see the negative...I will get into some issues that have plagued me emotionally this year - mostly related to reaching the dregs of long buried emotions and having to face the stark reality of abandonment and buried abuse from my childhood.  I know God wants me to recognize the pain so I can regain my independence and not to feel the shame that binds me but rather accept his GRACE and LOVE and move forward.  It is a process.

I was praying to God tonight.  I'm in Wilmington for a weekend and it is such a blessing to have two days out of the concrete jungle I'm marching in like an ant who is stuck in the molehill.  I stare at the ocean and hear the roar and imagine God's breath.  I am begging God for LIGHT for provision for SAFETY and SECURITY as I'm praying I hear a voice ever faint but strong in my mind saying: Blog about Psalm 118:14.  So I am.

12They swarmed around me like bees,

but they were consumed as quickly as burning thorns;

in the name of the Lord I cut them down.

13I was pushed back and about to fall,

but the Lord helped me.

14The Lord is my strength and my defense^a ;

he has become my salvation.

15Shouts of joy and victory

resound in the tents of the righteous:

“The Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!

16The Lord’s right hand is lifted high;

the Lord’s right hand has done mighty things!”

17I will not die but live,

and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

I did not know this verse by heart so I had to look it up online.  As I read each line I am astounded by God's promise of provision and undying hope.  My enemies have swarmed me like bees and the sting and scars has nearly left me crippled, I feel like giving up but in this verse I read how even in our darkest moments God is with us - he hears our prayers and has a plan we must actively seek him and trust HIM and pray for help...will all answers be given  no but there will be HOPE and HOPE in God is more than cookie teller fortunes printed on mass paper.  HOPE in God is a LIVING HOPE.  God has plans for me, God loves me and God Heals.

I am currently on a writing journey to edit my novels, find a publisher and continue writing.  My trial and faith through fire beckons me to write entries that help other people to grow in faith and focus on psychology.  I am writing a book about my own journey of healing - healing starts with God because love and light negate negativity.  If you love in pain, you have love, and light in the darkness to see the way out...even if the path is not clear you know God's light will not hide in your heart.  So tune out the material noise and tune into God...this sounds cliche but driving down desert highways with a broken fender and no cell service in Arizona I kept thinking, it is so beautiful, God I hope I don't die out here..."I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done."  God is the ultimate 'repairman' - we might not like the pieces of jigsaw we see at first but in the end God's will is the right path and we need to let down our ego and negative thought patterns and embrace HIS healing power.  Sometimes faith means being willing to take a fork in the road and bend and break with the tread, crashing with the waves knowing it sometimes takes a storm to feed a desert soul.